God and the Devil got together recently. They do that more often than you think. Usually at least once every millennia. They play cards, catch up on all the celestial gossip and have a few beers. More often than not, they get into an argument about something and end up resolving it with a bet. That’s exactly what happened at their last get together, after more than a few beers.
DEVIL: Hey God, remember that guy Job?
GOD: You mean the guy that invented those computers and iPhones?
DEVIL: No! That’s Steve Jobs. I’m talking about Job. That old guy we made a bet about, oh, a couple thousand years ago. He was a member of your cult.
GOD: (Thinking) Job, Job. Oh yeah! I remember him. Jewish guy. Really loved me. And just because people worship me doesn’t mean they’re in a cult. I mean, I’m God for Christ’s sake!
DEVIL: Potato, patato. Whatever. Do you remember the bet?
GOD: Of course I do. I remember everything. I’m GOD!
DEVIL: Really? Where are your glasses?
GOD: They’re right here. No, wait. Damn it, there here somewhere. Don’t change the subject. What about the bet?
DEVIL: I bet you that I could get Job to denounce you and you said I could do any horrible thing to him to do it.
GOD: (chuckling) Yeah I remember. Man you really fucked that guy up.
DEVIL: I gave it my best shot.
GOD: But I still won the bet. He worshiped me, no matter what.
DEVIL: I think it was more he was scared shitless of you and was afraid to say anything bad. But that’s neither here nor there. Want to double down on the bet?
GOD: What? Let you torture Job again? How are you going to do that? He’s been dead for a few thousand years.
DEVIL: No, not Job. I want to flip the bet. I’ve got my own Job. Actually I’ve got about 50 million Jobs. They’re called “Trump supporters.” They worship the current president of the United States. They’ll do anything he tells them. No matter how much it may hurt them or anybody else. They call themselves MAGAts.
GOD: They worship him? They can’t do that! You’re only supposed to worship me!
DEVIL: You always have to make it about yourself.
GOD: Whatever. So, you want to torture them?
DEVIL: No. I want YOU to torture them. Specifically I want you to get them to renounce Trump. If you can get them to do that, you win. You can do anything you want to them. You have carte blanche. So, you taking the bet?
GOD: Oh hell yes. This is a sucker bet.
DEVIL: We’ll see.
So, over the next few months, God did everything he could think of to make Trump’s “base” denounce him. He brought a great plague that engulfed the world, but was much worse in America.
He made sure that everything Trump did would make the plague worse. He made sure they would lose their jobs because of the plague. He made sure everything Trump did to bring the economy back would make it far worse. No matter what he did, the “base” would not forsake him.
God and Devil got back together again a few days ago.
DEVIL: It’s been a few months now. How’s the bet going?
GOD: WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE??
DEVIL: Told ya.
GOD: I mean, I brought down a fucking plague on those assholes! They’re dropping like flies. I’ve make Trump say the most ridiculous crazy shit imaginable! I got him to say that people should drink bleach and shove a light bulb up their ass for Christ’s sake!
DEVIL: That was one of my favorites.
GOD: I got him to retweet a batshit crazy doctor who says demons have sex with you in your sleep.
DEVIL: Uh, that’s one’s actually true. I try to keep it on the down low.
GOD: I’ve ruined their lives! Taken their jobs! They could prevent themselves from getting the plague by simply wearing a fucking mask!
DEVIL: That’s because the god they worship told them not to.
GOD: I think it’s time for another great flood!
DEVIL: Oh no you don’t!! Remember Noah and the covenant? The whole rainbow thing? You promised never to do that again.
GOD: Shit. I forgot about that.
DEVIL: You said you remember everything. Did you ever find your glasses?
GOD: Fuck you. You know, I never should have worked that sixth day. I should have taken the whole weekend off.
DEVIL: I tried to tell you. So, you give up? Do I win the bet?
GOD: (sighing) Yeah, you win. What was the bet for again?
DEVIL: Same as the last time. Loser buys the beer.
GOD: Fair enough.
At this point God waves his hand and hundreds of kegs of beer appear.
DEVIL: You’re such a fucking show off. Mmm, good beer though. So, same time next millennia?
GOD: You’re on. So, demons having sex in your sleep? Really? That’s fucked up.