MY ASS FELL OFF – Marilyn Armstrong

Actually, it was my son who brought up the subject. He said: “Ever since I turned 50, my ass fell off. It’s all flat back there and my pants fall off.” Garry admitted his pants fall off too, but he’s really thin, so it’s hard to tell which part of him is causing the failure of elastic.

I, on the other hand, know that about three years ago, my butt fell off. I remember realizing what had been all too curvy was now all too flat! How could such a thing happen?

Let me rephrase that. It didn’t fall off. It changed its venue. It left my butt where it made chairs more comfortable and became part of the top of my thighs where it just looks lumpy. Now, my pants fall off too.

What’s more, I no longer have a waistline. My ribcage has fallen too and now sits directly on my hip bones. This made me shorter. A lot shorter. Almost 4-1/2 inches of height have vanished and without a waist,  I am essentially square from ribcage to hips.

Not your basic feminine design.

Gravity. You might be able to get plastic surgery to fix a sagging chin or revitalize a collapsed butt, but what can you do when your whole body seems to be heading for the ground? When gravity is no longer theoretical but has become a profound part of life?

Anyone have any ideas?

And so for my entry to:

The Seventh Annual Contest Of Whatever!

it is that I have found it. The ultimate Murphy’s Law.

“No matter how hard you try, gravity wins. There is no leap high enough, no exercise powerful enough to save you from the pull of gravity. It always has the final say.”

Categories: Humor, Marilyn Armstrong

Tags: , ,

26 replies

  1. One good thing about saggy body parts is always having applause when you do physical activity. Gravity is cruel, but I guess I should be thankful. Without it, I’d probably get smothered by my boobs.


  2. Gravity is not kind on the human body, that’s for sure .One of my boobs dropped when I was in my late thirties. The other one didn’t drop until about five years later! Everything is so lopsided on me it will probably be the same when my butt goes.


    • I was worried about my boobs drooping (big ones droop a LOT more than smaller ones) until I had a double mastectomy and got fake ones, My fake ones are much smaller and neater and seem disinclined to droop. That’s my positive take on breast cancer. But I have to say that in the course of years, EVERYTHING has drooped. Things that I was sure couldn’t droop have drooped. I’m hoping things will stop falling down before it all lands on the ground.


  3. If only that apple hadn’t fallen on Sir Isaac’s head we wouldn’t have to put up with this whole gravity thing 🙂 In fact, apples have a lot to answer for throughout history.


  4. Love this………….I never had an ass to lose sadly – some sort of inherited “assless” gene thing. Good luck in the contest!


    Liked by 1 person

  5. lmao I’m in tears, omg, lmao lmao lmao ooooh heavens above, lol


  6. To me the annoying thing is pants. If they fit my waist, then the legs bag done around my ankles. And my stomach absolutely refuses to process spicy food as it once could! Hey, no fair!


    • Sigh. I know the feeling. I haven’t lost my taste for fatty food or spicy food, but my gut has lost its enthusiasm. And NOTHING fits right — except elastic. I really really really LOVE elastic. And tunics. Getting old isn’t for wimps!


  7. My ass fell off too and now certain pairs of pants are liable to fall around my ankles at unexpected moments. Embarrassing moments! I like your submission to C.O.W. Here’s a toast for success for you! 🙂

    P.S. if you happen to contact that pesky squirrel, would you have him contact me?? My own C.O.W. is ready to go live, but I need his permission for something. I suppose I can just ask forgiveness, right?


    • You may have accidentally blocked him yourself. Check and see if you by accident you hit “spam.” I’ve done that often enough. You just need one fatal click and boom, it all goes to hell.. Otherwise, if you look in older posts, I think you’ll see his email address and you can just write him yourself. IF you don’t have it I’ll send it to you.


  8. I wish my ass would fall off, along with the pregnant-looking stomach, and I wish my boobs would find their way back to where they belong, and I wish the doctor wouldn’t keep insisting that I’m shorter than I was 20 years ago (both the scale and the height measurer are both defective, in my opinion).


  9. Loved this! I am hoping exercise might by me some time, but I don’t know. I guess we will see.


  10. Might I suggest that a good set of suspenders may be in order? The same thing happened to Peter the other day when he was out shovelling the snow. Poor fellow didn’t know what was happening. The shovelling suddenly became very difficult with his pants at knee level.
    Leslie 😉


  11. I have never had what some people refer to as a “bubble butt.” My kids tease me that I have no butt to speak of and I suppose it’s always been that way. Thus, I’ve always had trouble filling the rear of my jeans. I’ve had saggy jeans…at least from a rear view…since before saggy jeans was a thing. And now that I’m a septuagenarian, what little butt I had, has disappeared. And I also don’t have big hips, so in order to keep my pants from falling off completely, I need to tighten my belt really tight. My wife says that it makes me look clownish. But at my age, it just doesn’t bother me, considering what the alternative is.


  12. Loved this. Hubby says I have no bum, and it’s all down to the walking I do. I haven’t had a waist for years, well maybe fleetingly in 2016, but it’s rounded out again. They say weebles wobble but they don’t fall down. My problem is if I fall down, I can’t get up as I have no ballast!!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. This is the BEST, EVER!!!!! I have no time right now to go into details, but this made me giggle. It’s the same for everyone, EXCEPT with me I was small from the beginning and I’m GROWING horizontally…. My hips are wide as a battleship, and looking at photos of me at a young(er) age I marvel at how very beautiful, slim and magnificent I was. Now all my beauty is entirely INTERIOR…..

    Liked by 1 person

    • We all fall down. Even with exercise, the skin grows loose and thin. That’s just the way it goes. I look a whole lot better with clothing ON these days. Between all the scars from all those surgeries and the collapse of whatever shape I once had, it’s a sad version of me I’m looking at today.


  14. When you think about all of the years we have to constantly endure that pesky gravitation force (It’s 9.8 something per something… I remember that much from physics), it’s a wonder we aren’t all looking like smushed dwarves. Thank you for finding a novel way to apply Murphy, and for entering my contest!

    Liked by 1 person


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