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Why TIME TRAVEL DOESN’T WORK – BY TOM CURLEY

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So there I was.

Thinking. Not quite awake. Not exactly asleep.

You know. The funny place between.

TIME_MACHINEASSY_1

And it hit me. Fixing all this craziness is simple. The question is WWCKD? Or, to put simply, “WHAT WOULD CAPTAIN KIRK DO?” If you look at the problem like that, the answer is simple. Obvious.

Travel back in time to a point where you can change the present from happening. As any Star Trek fan knows, Kirk did it all the time.

Now that I had the solution, the question became a matter of coördinates. To when and where do I go back to fix this? And the answer came to me as if in a dream …

Go back to 1998. Convince President Clinton to stay the hell away from Monica Lewinsky. There would be no scandal, no impeachment. Bill could campaign for Al Gore — like he was supposed to — and George Bush would never get elected. Everything that happened after that would not happen!

Brilliant!

So as I was drifting off to sleep, I imagined finding a time machine. Going back to 1998. Actually getting an audience with Bill Clinton … in the Oval Office.

How do I do this? Who knows? I’ll let the writers will work out those plot points later. I’m more into the “Big Picture Stuff”.

But … this is also where the whole idea fell apart because the conversation would go like this:

President Clinton: “Well for some reason the writers haven’t figured out yet, I believe you are a time traveler from the future with important information for me.”

Me: “Yes Mr. President. You must not have an affair with your intern, Monica Lewinsky.”

President Clinton: “Whoa! How’d you know about that?”

Me: “I’m from the future, remember?”

President Clinton: “Oh yeah right. I guess that makes sense. So, why shouldn’t I do that?”

Me: “Because you will get caught. The public is going to find out about it. The Republicans are going to impeach you because of it.”

President Clinton: “Well, that’s not good.”

Me: “Don’t worry. You don’t get convicted. Your approval ratings go up to over 70%.”

President Clinton: “Well that’s good, right?”

Me: “Not really. Because when Al Gore runs for president, he won’t let you campaign for him. Or let you anywhere near him.”

President Clinton: “Really. Hmm. Who’s he running against?”

Me: “George W. Bush.”

President Clinton: “You gotta be kidding me!”

Me: “Nope. And even though Al runs a terrible campaign, he will only lose the election by 500 votes. Well, actually years later, when a full recount is done, it turns out Al actually won. But in 2000, the Supreme Court steps in and stops the recount. And appoints Bush as President.”

President Clinton: “I don’t think the Supreme Court can do that.”

Me: “Neither did anybody else. Until they did it. So George W. Bush becomes the president. One of the first things he does is ignore all the intelligence agencies warnings that Osama Bin Ladin is going to attack the US.

Because of this al-Qaeda hijacks four 747’s out of Logan in Boston — and La Guardia in New York … using nothing but box cutters as weapons. They crash two planes into the World Trade Center and one into the Pentagon.

The Twin Towers are destroyed, thousands of people die. Now, even though all the hijackers are from Saudi Arabia — and Bin Laden is hiding in Afghanistan — Bush invades Iraq. Totally destabilizing the Middle East.

Wall Street creates a bubble based on the housing market and that causes a world-wide financial crash in 2008 in which trillions of dollars are lost, and millions of people around the world lose their jobs.

So in 2008 America elects a black guy — Barak Hussein Obama — as president, then in 2010 a bunch of billionaires help create something called the Tea Party. And the Republicans swing so far to the right, Barry Goldwater would be considered a Communist.

By 2016, it seems likely your wife is going to be running for President against … wait for it …

Donald Trump.”

At this point, the Secret Service enters the Oval Office and drags me away. As I’m being carried out, I see The Truth.

Wow. When you actually say all that out loud? I don’t believe it either.

Then I fell asleep.

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Categories: Humor, Politics, Sci Fi - Fantasy - Time Travel, Tom Curley

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25 replies

  1. Taswegian1957
    03/09/2016 • 07:12

    Maybe the solution is not “What would Kirk do?” but “What would Spock do?”

    Liked by 1 person

    • tomcurley1
      03/10/2016 • 17:38

      Spock would say the whole idea was illogical. Mostly because he was the one who always had to do the time travel math to lay in theright coordinates. And he always had to do it in his head. Why? You’d think the Enterprise would have at least one calculator sitting around in a desk somewhere.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Rick
    03/01/2016 • 14:46

    I knew it was all Bill Clinton’s fault. By the way, check out the election of 1876. It happened exactly like the election of 2000. A Supreme Court justice even made the final decision.

    Like

  3. swo8
    03/01/2016 • 13:54

    It’s easier to believe in time travel than to believe what’s happening there in real life.
    Leslie

    Like

  4. Garry Armstrong
    03/01/2016 • 12:23

    Congrats, Pancho! What a clever and funny piece. You’ll do!

    Like

  5. Sean Munger
    03/01/2016 • 11:21

    Great article! It is amazing the twists and turns our recent history has taken.

    Actually, preventing the Lewinsky affair would be much simpler than you suggest. She actually began her involvement with him not in 1998, when the affair broke in the press, but November 1995 during the government shutdown (when unpaid interns were the only White House staff working). If she was never a White House intern, no affair. Go back in time to summer 1995, or whenever her intern application was pending. Instead of accosting Clinton, convince some staffer in the internship office to “accidentally” stick her file into the paper shredder. Without the internship Lewinsky would have gone off to find another job, and a single paper shredder would Instantly have saved the lives of 3,000 victims of 9/11, 4500 U.S. troops in Iraq and 1 million+ Iraqis, and quite possibly solve the climate change crisis.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Marilyn Armstrong
      03/01/2016 • 11:39

      Why do I think Bill would have found someone else? If not Monica, someone. He was a good guy … but he was a dog.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ben
        03/01/2016 • 14:39

        “All Men are dogs”.., or so I’ve been told…, but being a man I think that’s a little extreme. From personal perspective, I really mean well until my hormones cut in.., then it’s all bets are off. I will admit that I’m a much better person these days as I haven’t seen a hormone for a while now. 🙂

        Like

    • tomcurley1
      03/01/2016 • 18:24

      True, and glad you enjoyed the article. Of course if I did that I wouldn’t get to talk to President in the Oval Office. If you going to time travel, you should at least have some fun.

      Like

  6. judyt54
    03/01/2016 • 09:55

    Put that way, how could you possibly fall asleep at all, and ever again…?
    something tells me we would still have Sarah P., she’s one of those unsinkables, like Molly Brown, but not nearly as entertaining.

    I have this recurring daymare–Presidential Ticket–Trump and Palin.

    Liked by 1 person