Warning: If you are not a Star Trek fan this will probably make no sense to you. Or not …
I’ve been watching a lot of Star Trek lately. Not just the original. But most of the other ones too. Star Trek Next Generation, Star Trek Voyager, and Star Trek Deep Space Nine.
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It’s addicting! I just keep watching. One right after the other. I admit I remember all the episodes from the original Star Trek. I’ve seen them all at least a hundred times and that’s no exaggeration. As for the other shows, I’ve found that some, I remember. Others, I’ve forgotten. BBC America will run an episode of the original Star Trek followed by Star Trek Voyager, then a Star Trek Next Generation episode. I’ve never watched them all intermixed like that.
That’s probably why I never noticed there is one thing that all Star Trek episodes have in common. Something that they all do in all the episodes all the time. EVERY EPISODE! EVERY SINGLE ONE! I’m betting even the most ardent ” Trekker/Trekkie” has never noticed it!
What is it?
They run a diagnostic. At least one, often more. Any time anything goes wrong on or off the ship, they run a diagnostic. It’s the go-to solution for absolutely everything.
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THE DIALOGUE:
Ensign: Captain, the warp drive just went down!
Captain: Run a Level Two Diagnostic. Advise me when it’s done.
Chief Engineer: Captain! The Di-lithium crystals are absorbing too much anti-matter!
Captain: Send down a Level Four Diagnostic Team and advise me when it’s done.
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Chief Engineer: We can’t do that Captain!
Captain: Why not?
Chief Engineer: We only have three Level Four Diagnostic Teams sir and they’re all busy.
Captain: Doing what?
Chief Engineer: Well, Team One is doing a diagnostic on the subspace communications array. Team Two is scanning the inertial dampers. And Team Three is running a diagnostic on why all the food replicators on deck three are putting “American Cheese” on everything it replicates.
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Captain: I see. So what do we do?
Chief Engineer: Well, we do have a Level Two Diagnostic Team free.
Captain: Great! Send two Level Two Diagnostic teams. That would be the same as a Level Four Diagnostic Team. Right?
Chief Engineer: Hmm. Never thought of it that way before, but yes I guess that would work. The problem is we only have one Level Two Diagnostic Team available sir. The other one is examining the warp core.
Captain: Oh. … OK. How many Level One Diagnostic Teams do we have?
Chief Engineer: Three sir. But one is busy.
Captain: Yes but we still have two Level One Teams free! Send in one Level Two team and two Level One Teams. That will give us a Level Four Diagnostic!
Chief Engineer: Brilliant sir! Why didn’t I think of that?
Captain: That’s why I’m the captain.
I’d pay money to see that episode.
Here’s the thing. My Star Trek binge started right after the election.
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Every day, I bounce from immersing myself in the whole” Star Trek Universe” and jolt back to this one. The real world. The. Real. World.
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I think we need to run a Level Five Diagnostic on this episode of life. Something’s terribly wrong.
Oh yeah. And, if you are a Star Trek Fan, from now on, you will notice this “diagnostic thing” every time you watch an episode of any version of Star Trek.
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Categories: Humor, Sci Fi - Fantasy - Time Travel, Television, Tom Curley, You can't make this stuff up
SERENDIPITY - SEEKING INTELLIGENT LIFE ON EARTH 
. I’ve often wondered what the other 8 looked like.
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Me too!
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. Michelle Obama and I are heading up a mini micro nutrition team for 45’s brain after Raquel and her Fantastic Voyage team flush out all the garbage from 45’s brain.
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Good luck. Well all miss you.
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. I’ve often wondered what the other 8 looked like.
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Damn it Marilyn, I’m a cowboy …
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But … is your shirt red?
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Not a Doctor!
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Problem is we don’t have enough diagnostic teams to analyze the particular situation we now find ourselves in.
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Good point
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I’ll have to try a few diagnostics of my own. Sounds very productive.
Leslie
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It is. And much more fun than re-aligning the Di-Lithium crystals.
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We’ll just leave those Di-Lithium crystals on the shelf.
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I’ll say.., those things are a bitch to align….
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Tom, I think we need to run some kind of “diagnostic on you my friend.., maybe level 9.
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Hmm, a level nine could be done but it would be complicated. We could do two level fours and a level one. Or two level ones, one level three and one level four. I would suggest two level ones, two level threes and one level two. Of course the level two would have to stop after 50% of the diagnositic is completed or it would be a level ten diagnostic which of course every body knows doesn’t exist.
This is why I never went into management.
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Well as the saying goes “the complicated will take a while.., the impossible takes a little longer” That’s why you have a crew.., they’ll figure it out, you just have to give the order.
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We need a munitions team STAT to defoliate all the orange matter growing out of 45’s head. It’s hampering the Fantastic Voyage crew inside the treacherous, snake infested cranium.
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It’s all about tachyon particles. Trust me. If you have enough, with the right nodes, just push the button and voila!
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A good one Pancho!!
——————————————————————————————————————–
Ensign: Captain, we have a warp failure in 45’s head.
Captain: Run a full level diagnostics test.
Chief Engineer: Captain, too much corrosion in 45’s head.
Captain: Understood. Cancel diagnostics test. Call in Raquel Welch and her fantastic voyage crew. They’ll do miniature surgery inside 45’s brain.
Ensign: Captain, can I accompany Raquel into 45’s brain?
Captain: Stand down, Mister. I’m already on it!!
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We could suspend him a transporter beam buffer and then re-assemble him with the original bio-specs for a president. And when he re-materializes. Presto! Hey It’s Barack Obama!
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Michelle Obama and I are heading up a mini micro nutrition team for 45’s brain after Raquel and her Fantastic Voyage team flush out all the garbage from 45’s brain. We dare to go…
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Don’t forget ion trails and Warp Particles!
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On it, Captain. We have mini mini micro drones doing aerial surveillance of 45’s brain. They report seeing nothing but rocks.
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It’s nice to see another Trekker/Trekkie “out there” in the blogosphere! While I intend to see if the original Star Trek series was as diagnostics-happy as its successors, I must note that doing so could be a long and difficult task. You see, it seems there’s a Level Five diagnostic already running on my TV, so it could take a while. It’s necessary since Daystrom’s multitronic circuits can go all M-5 on a moment’s notice…
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true. I have to admit after writing this I have found the original Trek was a little lighter on the diagnostics. Next Generation however was obsessed with them. Voyager also likes to “re-calibrate” things a lot.
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I am currently binge watching “Voyager” my excuse being that when it originally ran I was working shifts and the timeslot did not work for me. I like to watch shows in the proper order so I’m working my way through all seven seasons a few episodes at a sitting. Apart from the fact that Voyager breaks down every episode and I am amazed they got her home at all I had noticed how every problem is dealt with by attempting to adjust something on the computers with the result of either “no effect” or “It’s working!” and they always recite what they are doing. I’m not sure if this is standard procedure or just for the benefit of us, the viewers because there is no way to make button pushing look interesting.
I think that the enduring popularity of the Star Trek franchise is because it shows a universe where, although there are wars and bad guys the same as anywhere you feel that people are more tolerant and less greedy. They may make jokes about crewmates propensity for logic or liking for qagh but you can see the friendships.
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I’m enjoying Voyager quite a lot. Only watched them once the first time on the air. Along with running diagnostics they are very big on “Multi-phasic scans” because well, who wants to scan just on phase?
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I’ve ignored all that technobabble stuff, can’t keep my eyes off “7 of 9”!
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I hear that. I’ve often wondered what the other 8 looked like. It could have been the the Borg version of the Swedish Bikini team
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Forget the other 8.., one in the bush is worth yadayadayadayada….., You know what I mean?
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