“SAN ANDREAS FAULT” – THE MOVIE WHERE EVERYTHING HAPPENS – Marilyn Armstrong

Last night, tired of the endless depressing, appalling, horrible news from around the world, Garry played a movie he had previously recorded.

San Andreas Fault is not merely a disaster film. It is every disaster film you have ever seen in one film. It’s earthquakes that will turn Kansas into the Pacific beach capital of the nation. It’s crashing buildings, towering infernos, the hugest omigod tsunamis. We get to see the bravest heroes and most craven cowardice.

It’s all there.

The crashing bridge

Every cliché from every disaster movie made in this and the previous century includes a lot of movies.  Worse, I’m pretty sure we’ve seen all of them, but we’d never seen this one before.

I think it was originally filmed in 3D. Everyone said it was drivel, but it made more than $300,000 million at the box office, so clearly drivel sells well.

Crashing cruise ship

It certainly sold well at our house last night. When the intended second husband of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson‘s wife (Carla Gugino)  played by Ioan Gruffudd (aka “The Asshole”) abandons Rock’s daughter to her fate, trapped under fallen cement in a parking garage, it’s no less than you expect from the cowardly CEO of a major corporation.

Hollywood crashing

We know they are cowards because … well …that’s what they always do in the movies, right? Have you ever seen a brave, manly CEO stand up to anyone or anything outside a boardroom? Especially when they are trying to marry the hero’s ex-wife who we all know should be with the hero.

Even though The Hero can’t utter a coherent sentence (and probably hasn’t since he came back from The War (insert name of war here), he’s a hero (with medals to prove it) and would never run, not even when a million tons of water and a complete cruise ship is about to fall on his head.

The Rock watching everything crash

So. Finally. The family reconnects. The entire west coast is smoldering ruins covered by about half the Pacific Ocean. There isn’t a bridge, a building … nothing. Total, absolute devastation everywhere.

Garry is giggling to himself.  Because he knows. I know. We both know. It’s coming.

The Rock, arm around his wife, his daughter saved, is gazing over the wreckage of the world and Garry murmurs … “Now, we rebuild.”

Beat. Beat. Beat. Pause.

And THEN The Rock says: “Now, we rebuild.”

Garry collapsed into laughter. The last time he laughed that much was when Trevor Noah had Ben Carson on the show and Trevor did a better Ben Carson than Ben Carson. Garry was still howling while the credits rolled.

A perfect ending.

san-andreas-fault-with-dwayne-the-rock-johnson-000

We’d seen the world end. We’d see the best, the bravest. The worst. We’d seen the most depraved cowardice imaginable and in HD wide-screen.

But now, we rebuild. We have to rebuild … because … SAN ANDREAS 2 is coming! As the headline says, this will finally allow The Rock (who no longer calls himself “the Rock”, so you have to call him Dwayne) to punch an earthquake.

No cowardice allowed!

43 thoughts on ““SAN ANDREAS FAULT” – THE MOVIE WHERE EVERYTHING HAPPENS – Marilyn Armstrong”

    1. I haven’t heard more about the sequel, so maybe now that Dwayne is not the rock they canceled it. He was The Man. But it is hilarious. If we think the world is a mess THIS is the movie that proves that it could really be worse.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Willow, of course, there will be a sequel. And, there will folks who pony up money to see it in theaters. Why? Why am I asking you? Who wrote the book of love?

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      1. Did you write the book of love
        And do you have faith in God above
        If the Bible tells you so?
        Do you believe in rock and roll?
        Can music save your mortal soul?
        And can you teach me how to dance real slow?

        Liked by 1 person

  1. If they keep going with the sequels the whole world will be destroyed by earthquakes, tsunami’s, volcanoes and whatever other natural disaster that can be squeezed in and I guess the hero and family will escape in a spacecraft, probably built for the president, to another planet where they will rebuild mankind.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hmmm … I can honestly say that I have NEVER watched a disaster movie. And if you think that’s easy just consider how often they’re on TV.
    Some pretty good actors have actually Starred in some of these …. things. Like Newman, McQueen, Hackman … others.

    This is where I rethink my desire to be a Movie Critic. You are obligated to watch some of this stuff.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I confess to liking those all star, disaster movies. “The Towering Inferno” is one of my favorites. Great to see Newman and McQueen in the same scenes, doing their schtick. Both guys were doing “bits of business”, I think it was a draw.

      I always wanted to see an all star disaster flick with Gable, Cooper, Cagney and Bogart. Above the title billing would be awesome.
      And- also starring Orson Welles as “Orson”.

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      1. HAA. Yeah, they didn’t make those blockbuster disaster flicks in Boggies day.
        I was watching Prince of Foxes recently with Tyrone Power and Orson Welles. Welles was just brilliant. It was mesmerizing watching him. He just overshadowed everybody in that movie. I wish he had done more work.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. He was, I understand, really difficult to work with. He was one of the directors who demanded everything, worked very slowly, reshot every scene dozens — hundreds — of times until eventually, no studio would hire him. And then, he also got HUGELY fat. As in enormous. He continued to do a lot of vocal work. He performed narration for many films right up until he died, but he stopped performing. Between his uncompromising attitude and his girth, he was impossible. He (so to speak) shot himself in his own feet.

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        2. Agree about “Prince of Foxes”. Power was a better actor than generally acknowleged. Welles was prime ham. Ham — but good .

          My favorite Welles film? “The Third Man”. He wasn’t the star. Director Carol Reed was the star along with the director of photography and that haunting zither music. One of the best film finales ever. One long shot.

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          1. Thanks Garry ! My film education of pathetic. I know about this film of course. Regarded as Classic by many. I’m certain I’ve seen it, but it was a long time ago. Time for a re-watch.

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    1. Leslie, drivel can be entertaining. let’s not be too high-minded, my pretty.

      I watched “The Swarm” again the other night. cast includes Michael Caine, Katherine Ross, Bradford Dillman, Richard Chamberlain, Richard Widmark, Olivia DeHavilland, Ben Johnson and Fred MacMurray as “Clarence”. An Irwin Allen classic.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Leslie, very stellar. I got the feeling Olivia was laughing at us. She was doing a “Melanie”, AARP style. She’s what? 102 and still kicking??

          Liked by 1 person

            1. Leslie, Ms. Olivia has had a very long and, I would think, a very satisfying life. I read a mag article a few months back. She lives in Paris and seemed quite content with life.

              Liked by 1 person

        1. Garry knows by looking at the credits. The major guest star did it. Always. So he looks for the major guest star. Once in a while, another guy did it and the major guest was either the victim or helped solve it.

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    1. Thanks, Covert. Used to happen often during my working days. I’d interview the relatives of a murder suspect and brace myself for the inevitable….I kept a straight face as they looked at me and wistfully said, “He was turning his life around”.

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  3. Funny funny movie. Moral of the movie. When the. World ends make friends with Dwayne the Rock Johnson. He’s actually a very good comedic actor. He’s funny as hell in the remake of Jumanji.

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