FOWC with Fandango — Number

I woke up this morning in a rage at my father, but really, at all the men in my life who have taken so much and given back so little. In all these years of living, how could I let so many numbers of years travel by while I failed to realize the amount of anger I’ve accumulated?

And how did I fail to realize how helpless I have felt through all these years?

Goes to show you — just when you think you are over the hump, there’s another hill right in front of you.

I think the hills are never done.

Author: Marilyn Armstrong

Writer, photography, blogger. Previously, technical writer. I am retired and delighted to be so. May I live long and write frequently.

26 thoughts on “RAGE AND HELPLESSNESS – Marilyn Armstrong”

  1. I try not to do rage any more. If I do, they are very short lived, just to get something off my chest and forgotten in a few minutes. I feel better in myself forgetting the bad and concentrating on a world of joy & happiness. Sounds blue-eyed, rose-tinted-glasses, immature, and probably is. But hey, it’s my life.


  2. One never sees the downhill while they’re climbing upwards, but it’s there. Sorry you’re going up right now, but you’ll crest this hill too. Good luck.


    1. I’m just tired. To my core, exhausted. But on a positive note, we actually went OUT today and did something besides watch baseball. Now that the Sox have clinched, we can basically wait for the playoffs.


  3. I thought about that last night, actually. I had a great dream where my aunt Martha and I were walking along a lovely valley filled with birds. I woke up and thought, “I’d never have that dream about that bitch, my mother.” I don’t know why, but I suddenly remembered our last two meetings in her life and while I wasn’t angry at her at all (I’m over it) I appreciated again the revelation those two moments gave me into her true nature. You suffered a lot because of your dad. As for men? Having been beaten, demoralized, degraded, kicked and manipulated repeatedly, I have no interest in allowing one near me again ever. While I don’t hate men as a category, I will give them a wide berth. You, on the other hand, were not so fucked up that you couldn’t love someone. I think that’s to your credit. ❤


      1. I don’t think it’s easy. And I think even after we work it out, there’s a little part of us that is still that child. There’s a little part that will never grow up as it should.


  4. I agree with Martha. I’m in the same boat as she is. It would take an incredible individual for me to ever risk it again. I enjoy men’s company and I’m not worried about it but I doubt I’d let one close enough in this lifetime. You risked it, and you found a keeper. I’m happy for you both!


    1. Yeah, but I already KNEW Garry. He was from way back. I met him when I was 16 at the college radio station, so there was a lot of stuff that had already happened. I don’t think I’d have been able to do it with a new guy or even wanted to try.


  5. No, there are always some hills to be scaled. Gives us experience, wisdom and growth. I’ve been angry for years, and am in therapy to learn how to deal with it so that I don’t pass the ‘gift’ along by hurting others and causing myself to become ill because I’m so damned angry. And it’s getting better too. I hope one day you can forgive your father (and before you start hurling the rotten vegetables at me…I read the book, and that ‘person’ ((to me anyway)) does NOT deserve forgiving) I’m suggesting that for YOU, not him. When one stops letting ugly, mean spirited people make them angry, one wins. And I ain’t saying it’s easy to do, it isn’t. But I’ve found that indifference is much worse to them than anger. And I know he’s passed on, but I think they know what impact they have on those left behind. That they still feel what we do. He doesn’t deserve space in your head, stop letting him live there rent free. For YOUR sake.


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