FOWC with Fandango — Number
I woke up this morning in a rage at my father, but really, at all the men in my life who have taken so much and given back so little. In all these years of living, how could I let so many numbers of years travel by while I failed to realize the amount of anger I’ve accumulated?
And how did I fail to realize how helpless I have felt through all these years?
Goes to show you — just when you think you are over the hump, there’s another hill right in front of you.
I think the hills are never done.
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Categories: #FOWC, Daily Prompt, Fandango's One Word Challenge, Paths
SO I LOOKED DEATH IN THE EYE AND SAID “SCREW IT” – Marilyn Armstrong 
SERENDIPITY - SEEKING INTELLIGENT LIFE ON EARTH 
No, there are always some hills to be scaled. Gives us experience, wisdom and growth. I’ve been angry for years, and am in therapy to learn how to deal with it so that I don’t pass the ‘gift’ along by hurting others and causing myself to become ill because I’m so damned angry. And it’s getting better too. I hope one day you can forgive your father (and before you start hurling the rotten vegetables at me…I read the book, and that ‘person’ ((to me anyway)) does NOT deserve forgiving) I’m suggesting that for YOU, not him. When one stops letting ugly, mean spirited people make them angry, one wins. And I ain’t saying it’s easy to do, it isn’t. But I’ve found that indifference is much worse to them than anger. And I know he’s passed on, but I think they know what impact they have on those left behind. That they still feel what we do. He doesn’t deserve space in your head, stop letting him live there rent free. For YOUR sake.
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I thought I’d done it. I did some of it. Not apparently ALL of it. Maybe there is always more to be done.
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I agree with Martha. I’m in the same boat as she is. It would take an incredible individual for me to ever risk it again. I enjoy men’s company and I’m not worried about it but I doubt I’d let one close enough in this lifetime. You risked it, and you found a keeper. I’m happy for you both!
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Yeah, but I already KNEW Garry. He was from way back. I met him when I was 16 at the college radio station, so there was a lot of stuff that had already happened. I don’t think I’d have been able to do it with a new guy or even wanted to try.
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I get that too!
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I thought about that last night, actually. I had a great dream where my aunt Martha and I were walking along a lovely valley filled with birds. I woke up and thought, “I’d never have that dream about that bitch, my mother.” I don’t know why, but I suddenly remembered our last two meetings in her life and while I wasn’t angry at her at all (I’m over it) I appreciated again the revelation those two moments gave me into her true nature. You suffered a lot because of your dad. As for men? Having been beaten, demoralized, degraded, kicked and manipulated repeatedly, I have no interest in allowing one near me again ever. While I don’t hate men as a category, I will give them a wide berth. You, on the other hand, were not so fucked up that you couldn’t love someone. I think that’s to your credit. ❤
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I actually thought I’d worked this one out. In fact, I was SURE of it. Apparently not as much as I thought.
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I don’t think it’s easy. And I think even after we work it out, there’s a little part of us that is still that child. There’s a little part that will never grow up as it should.
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Apparently so. If I haven’t gotten it by now, I probably never will. This is a piece of me that is permanently enraged.
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same here. Not at my mom, though. I did exorcise that, but at the men who have intentionally hurt me in brutal ways. I wish I could but I cannot become un-enraged. 😦
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I don’t mourn my father. I didn’t when he died ad I don’t now, but that sense of helplessness is something else. That warm feeling of nothingness.
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It’s complex 😢
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One never sees the downhill while they’re climbing upwards, but it’s there. Sorry you’re going up right now, but you’ll crest this hill too. Good luck.
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I’m just tired. To my core, exhausted. But on a positive note, we actually went OUT today and did something besides watch baseball. Now that the Sox have clinched, we can basically wait for the playoffs.
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I try not to do rage any more. If I do, they are very short lived, just to get something off my chest and forgotten in a few minutes. I feel better in myself forgetting the bad and concentrating on a world of joy & happiness. Sounds blue-eyed, rose-tinted-glasses, immature, and probably is. But hey, it’s my life.
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I was sure I’d gotten there, but my subconscious had other things to say.
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Great metaphor for life!
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And especially great for MY life. I really thought I was OVER that rage. I was SURE I had worked my way past it.
I was wrong.
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Oh, gosh. I can relate! Thanks for sharing your story. Time to climb up that hill, but you’ll have a great perspective at the top! 🙂
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Or more likely, a good look at the next hill to climb!
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Nope, never.
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I would have said exactly the same thing. Yesterday. Dreams sometimes contain truths we have long avoided.
As for the hills, I swear there are no downhills. It’s ALWAYS up.
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The helplessness fuels the rage. You are right–the hills are never done.
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I was absolutely SURE I had this particular part of my life well under control. My unconscious said, “No you don’t.” Hard to argue with ones unconscious.
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You need to let that go, if you can? Rage and stress will make you sick which may have been the source of many of your past and, possibly, present ailments.
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BTW, Beautiful picture of your next hill.., doesn’t look so bad from here?
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